You're My Light
by dauntlesslydemigod
Summary: He knew something was bothering her, the instinct running in his bones like an electric current. There were dark bags under her eyes, visible even from the distance and she was unnaturally pale. He felt his stomach twist into knots as he realized that she was struggling, fighting her demons alone and he hadn't been there. But he's here now, and he isn't leaving.


"Prongs," Sirius spoke through a mouthful of bacon, "I will, today, give you a word of advice that you will cherish for all your worthless life."

Remus looked up from his copy of The Daily Prophet, his eyes alight with interest at the conversation he guessed was about to happen. They were in the Great Hall, it being the beginning of just another regular school day but apparently, Sirius had other plans. James smirked, obviously waiting to know what his best mate was up to.

"It might seem sometimes that I am a little –" Sirius paused, his mouth stuffed with bread as he looked for an appropriate word, "a little ... unconcerned about the general order of the society," James spat out his juice unceremoniously, shaking his head in complete approval. "Yes, that can be said to a certain degree of accuracy, Pads." He muttered as Remus chuckled, but Sirius was not to be deterred.

"And I've had you boys to think that I am unruly, and wild, and unsophisticated in my conduct." He ignored his chortling friends as he continued with a remarkably straight face. "But to be really honest, out of all you men here, I am the only one with the most class, charm and the necessary knowledge about the fair sex."

James dropped his egg and looked at his friend with narrowed eyes, suddenly getting an idea as to what this is about. "And therefore, it is my humble request to you that you instantly stop this torture you're inflicting on yourself and on us," Sirius paused as he pulled out a piece of candy and tapped it with his wand, grinning as it floated across their heads towards the end of the table and stopped above a certain redhead. "And just ask the lovely woman out whom you can't stop thinking about, before the hideous excuse of a human being, Mulciber stuns her eternally with his lecherous stares."

James' fingers tightened on his goblet as he confirmed what Sirius was saying, all sorts of colorful images dancing in his mind as to what he would do to the despicable Slytherin. Remus, who saw the look on his friend's face, sighed. "You're whipped, Potter. So utterly whipped." He suddenly broke into a wide grin, something very uncharacteristic of him. "I've never been more proud."

Before James could reply, a sudden commotion made him turn his head as his eyes widened. "Merlin, Black." He groaned, dropping his face in his hands as the enchanted candy began growing and raining rose petals over a very bewildered Lily Evans. "Why on Earth are you so determined to ruin my … thing with Evans?"

Sirius' witty comeback was lost to him, though.

His eyes were trained on the beautiful woman a few feet away from him as she made many failed attempts to catch the source of the unexpected shower this early in the morning. Most of the petals were stuck in her long, crimson locks that still looked a little damp and James had an uncontrollable urge to run his fingers through them. _All in good time_ , he told himself as he did every minute of every day. Lily and he were very good friends now, he wasn't going to ruin it all by bringing up his irrational feelings for her.

"Earth to our young Valentino here."

Sirius' amused drawl brought James back as he shoved him halfheartedly. "You're as bad as those snake house creeps, you know? I'm almost scared that before we know it, you'll be hanging with grease-head and gold-tooth as the three of you write depressing love poems for our esteemed Head Girl." Sirius guffawed, but groaned as James smacked the side of his head soundly and got up as the bell went off. "Such class and charm, Padfoot. You surprise me sometimes." He ignored his friend's howling laughter as he stole one last glance at Lily.

She was still sitting on the table, her head bent low over her plate. Alice and Marlene were looking at her worriedly, exchanging glances that made James' eyebrows knot together. Something was wrong. He just knew it, the instinct running strong in his bones like an electric current. And in the name of Godric, he was going to find out what.

Turning to the Marauders, he thrust his bag at Remus. "You know what, you guys go. I have something to do." Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure? Its Potions, Slughorn will not let go easy." James nodded. "I'll take care of it later. Just tell him I had one too many fire whiskeys yesterday and passed out."

With quick steps, he made way to the two girls who were hovering uncertainly over their friend. "What's up?" James mouthed, and their shoulders slumped in relief in unison as they saw him. "Is she okay?" He asked, and they shrugged. "She hasn't been talking to us since the past two days." Alice whispered, her eyes wide. "We tried to speak to her about it last night, but she just said she's tired." James frowned. Now that he thought of it, he hadn't seen her in the last two days at all either, which was weird considering they shared a common room and five classes.

"I know this began after that bitch Bellatrix spoke to her." Marlene hissed, her nostrils flaring in anger. "I don't know what she said, but Lily looked like she had seen a ghost after she came back." She looked at James squarely. "You're the only one she'll open up to, Potter. We'll take care of the classes and professors, just – just make sure if she's okay."

James nodded, his forehead creasing. "You bet I will." The girls looked immensely relieved at that, completely sure they had left their mate in competent hands. Unlike Lily, they weren't blind bats. They had both seen in James' eyes what the red head had stubbornly refused to see, and it was downright painful to see the two stumbling in the dark when they both were so in love with each other.

The girls left but Lily didn't as much as move a muscle. Suddenly unsure as to what to do, James shifted on his feet before lightly placing his hand on Lily's shoulder. She jumped a foot in the air, her eyes wide as she clutched her heart. "Christ, James." She gasped, her pupils dilating with fear. "You gave me quite a scare." It was then she looked around herself, realizing everyone had left for class.

"Hey, Lily." James said softly, his stomach in knots. Her face was unusually pale, dark bags under her eyes visible even from a distance. Her tie was crooked, her lips chapped and James instantly knew that he was already too late. Lily has been struggling, fighting against her demons alone and he, like an oaf, hadn't even had a clue.

The look in James' eyes made Lily fidget in her place as she hurriedly picked up her bag. "I – I should go. I have a lot of classes today." Her head throbbed painfully, making it hard to think and her vision was blacking out in every few seconds. However, she couldn't let him know this.

She knew that he had already guessed something was wrong, and she had to fight every inch of her being to not fall into his steady, strong arms and let him protect her from the darkness around. She couldn't, because then it'll be impossible to walk away from his comfort, his promises, his love.

"Not so fast." James' arm shot out like a bullet, clamping down on the rucksack she was clinging to. "I'll take that, thank you very much." She tried to protest, but had no energy left in her. "You're not going to any class today. We have things to talk about." Just like that, the discussion was over as he led her firmly towards what she guessed to be the Great Lake. She wanted to stop, she really did, but his hand on the small of her back as he pushed her gently towards where he wanted to go.

James noted with a pang of concern how she looked paler by the second, her steps becoming slow and jerky. "Lily, you know that you can trust me, yeah?" He slowly said, desperately trying to see if she knew how much he had changed from the arrogant toerag he was when he was younger. He loved her still, loved her with every fiber of his being but now, all that mattered to him was her wellbeing. Her health. Her happiness. And if that meant letting her go, he would do it in a heartbeat.

She looked up at him, her beautiful green eyes suddenly glassy. "I know. And I do, with my life." She whispered, her voice barely audible in the spring air. James wanted to reply but her words meant so much to him that he paused in that moment, basking in their warmth. This was all he had wanted from the beginning. This was all that he needed from her. Her faith, her trust. Her belief that he would never, ever let anything happen to her.

His thoughts were interrupted as Lily suddenly took a shuddering, broken breath, her feet stumbling on the even grass. James was next to her in a moment, his eyes darkening with worry as he lightly wrapped an arm around her waist. "Lily, you're not okay." He said firmly, his voice low. "What the hell is going on?" She pushed him away feebly, attempting to laugh and failing miserably. "I just tripped on a stone, it's nothing."

Just as she said that, her eyelashes fluttered as her vision melted into a blur of colors. Her legs were suddenly shaking too much to support her weight, and she would've crashing to the ground had two strong arms not held her up immediately. "James …" The word was just a gasp, almost as if she had run out of air to breathe.

James cursed under his breath as he deftly slid one hand under her knees and the other around her shoulders, picking her up securely in his arms. Another fresh wave of worry hit him like truck when he realized how unnaturally light she was. He could feel her ribs poking from under the skin and he gritted his teeth. Was she even eating right?

However, this was no time for questions. He needed to make sure she was taken care of.

"Lily, I'm right here." He pulled her closer to his chest as his thoughts went haywire. "Just breathe, okay? We'll just go to Madame Pom – " Before he could finish his sentence, she clutched his shirt tightly between her trembling fingers. "NO. Don't take me there, please. She'll find out, and everyone will know. Don't, please." Her voice shook, on the verge of hysteria and James abruptly stopped walking. She was shaking like a leaf now, and it felt like his heart was breaking into a million pieces.

"Lily," He spoke in a shushed whisper so as to not agitate her anymore, his eyebrows pulled together with worry and desperation straining his voice. "What will she find out? You're scaring me. Talk to me, please." She didn't say anything for some time, just snuggled further into his chest. "Don't leave me, James." Her voice broke. "I – I'll become better, I promise. I'll do anything, just stay with me. I can't –"

Her breath left her lungs as James suddenly sat on the grass, the rapid movement making her gasp. However, she found herself being placed securely in his lap as he held her like a child, his face buried in her hair. "I'm not going anywhere." His voice was rough like sandpaper, and she could hear the promise in his tone.

With a shuddering inhale, she tightly wrapped her arms around his neck as he went on. "Don't you dare say that ever again, you hear me? I will be right here, here with you till I die. And I will stay, no matter how much you try to push me away or run from me." His large hands soothingly rubbed Lily's back, trying to get her to understand the extent to which he felt for her.

"God, Lily." He groaned. "Why? Why would you do this to yourself?" He hated this, hated to see her like this. She was his life. She meant everything to him. How in the world could she even get the idea that she needed to become better so that he stays with her?

She just pressed her face harder into his shoulder, content with this moment as it gave her everything she wanted. "Stay. Stay with me." She said again as her eyes drooped, the world collapsing into darkness.

The Marauders' dormitory had witnessed quite a few scenes in the boys' stay over the years, but seldom had it ever looked like it did now. Lily lay on James' old bed, Remus sitting next to her as he gently dabbed her face with a cold cloth.

"I will kill that slut." Sirius swore as he paced about the small room, his face red as his fingers clenched and unclenched into fists. "I swear to Merlin, she will regret the day she was born." Peter cast a glance at James who was sitting as still as a statue on the other side of the unconscious girl before trying to pacify the agitated boy. "Sirius, calm down. We're not even sure of it was Bellatrix –"

" _For fuck's sake_ , don't give me that crap." Sirius slammed his fist against the dresser and Remus winced. "Of course it's her, it has to be her. My whole bloody family is fucking full of retards that don't have two ounces of a brain." He seethed. "I will skin her for doing this." He vowed, running his hand through his hair.

It was then James finally spoke for the first time since he stormed into the room with a limp Lily in his arms, his voice breaking as he repeatedly asked Remus to help. "Padfoot, sit down. Don't take this on yourself." He looked up, his usually hazel eyes turned almost black. "If it was Bellatrix, I personally will make sure she gets what she deserves for doing this to –" His voice cracked a little. "To Lily."

He looked at his friend for some response, but Sirius suddenly seemed to have paled considerably. "Prongs," He said slowly, "Did you see Lily's plate when she was at breakfast today?"

James frowned. "I don't really remember anything, I – I was really worried about her. Why?" Sirius looked at Remus whose face dawned with comprehension. "It was empty." He said quietly, his eyes downcast. "She didn't take anything at all."

A horrible, gut twisting feeling engulfed James as he held Lily's hand tighter. "Moony, what do you mean?" His voice sounded strangled even to himself, and he didn't dare look up at his friend for confirmation as it all started fitting together. "She didn't come for dinner last night either." Peter said softly, his eyes shining with pain. "And she didn't have lunch saying she already had it in the Common Room."

It was like James was suddenly underwater, all noises fading as it became too hard to breathe. Lily Evans, beautiful, perfect, and the only woman he had ever loved had been starving herself. She had been killing herself right in front of him and he had been too stupid to see it. To see her pain. To see her anguish. To see her struggle and fight and lose.

He had failed her, failed in his love for her. He should've been there when she started doubting herself, starting doubting her body and he should've told her that she was abso-fucking-lutely the most beautiful living creature to ever exist on this planet. He should've been there to hold her close and let her see how she was in his eyes, how she was everything there was and everything there ever will be.

"Prongs, don't you dare be an ass and take this on yourself." Sirius snapped, reading his best mate like an open book. "If you think that it's just you who owes it to Evans, you're mistaken." When James' eyes widened, Sirius laughed a bitter laugh. "She didn't give a fuck when she found out Moony was a freaking werewolf. For that matter, her first thought was if he gets the potion for pain after the full moon. Who the hell in this world is so pure?"

"She knows all about – about my home and my family. She's the mother and sister I never had, James." Sirius' eyes were bloodshot, and James suddenly realized how self centered he had been all this while. Lily wasn't his, she was _theirs_. Sirius and Remus and Peter loved her as much as, if not more than him. And he could see how it ate at their souls to see her like this now, how it hurt them as it did to him that she would even think of doing something like this when so many people loved her, so many people lived for her.

"She was ashamed of herself for doing this, for not being strong enough to fight this anorexia." James said quietly, his eyes burning. "That's why she didn't want to go to Poppy. She was terrified that people found out, they'll call her weak."

Remus suddenly looked like he had been shot. "That's it." He breathed. "Don't you see, James? Her blabbering about you leaving her, starving to become – thinner," He closed his eyes. "She's afraid of not being good enough. For everything. For this post of the Head Girl. For this world of magic. She was afraid of not being good enough for you."

"That's what sheis scared of the most, and that's what Bellatrix told her."

It all made perfect sense to James now, and he wanted to scream at stupid, stupid Lily for doing this to herself, for putting herself through torture and not letting anyone know. She had pushed him away, had slowly starting believing in all those fuckers' words. Snape. Bellatrix. Rudolphus.

However, all his thoughts flew out of the window when Lily stirred, her eyes fluttering open. The bright green shade of her irises was bright with tears as she shot up in the bed despite Remus' protests, gasping. "James, I'm so sorry. I was – I didn't know what I was doing, I was just scared and I wanted you so bad, so I … I thought you'll want me if I'm better, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." She was crying like her heart was broken, and maybe it was. But not anymore.

"I love you."

He hadn't meant to say it so soon because he didn't want to feel pressurized, but it was the truth. It had been the truth since the day he had seen her for the first time seven years ago, and it would be the truth till they were old and gray and wrinkled.

Her eyes were wide, her face flushed with colour at his words. "Lily, I love you so fucking much." It was like the world the crumbled around him and all that was left was her and it was enough. "Never, ever scare me like that again. I can't lose you too, _I can't_. Never pull off something like that again." He had blindly reached for her familiar figure in his arms and was holding her so tight that she was probably suffocating but it felt right. She felt right.

She was crying again, her tears soaking his shirt and she buried herself deeper in his chest. "I love you." She whispered, and James clutched at her even tighter. "I'll never leave you. I promise." She pulled him as close to her as humanly possible. "I promise."

James could see tears in Remus' eyes as Sirius hid his face behind the poster bed. Peter was smiling so wide that he shone, and James knew from then on that this was it, this was all he had and all he needed. His friends, and his Lily.

His friends, and his light.


End file.
